Ty Ranks the 2019 NFL Teams: Shrimp on Pizza Division


On to day 2 of my NFL countdown we start off with team 28, the Miami Dolphins.

I think the Dolphins might be the first NFL team to try and "tank" for the top pick. And in the NFL, there is no lottery. If you have the worst record, you get the first pick. Miami is almost guaranteed a top 5 pick this year. They are going to be a bad football team. But, they did do a few good things this offseason. They hired away a former Patriots assistant, Brian Flores, and if given a chance, he could be solid. That means they fired Adam Gase, thank goodness. They also traded for Josh Rosen, and I think he will get ample playing time, and a chance to shine there. And they finally let Ryan Tannehill go. He was always one year away from being a competent starter, but it never panned out due to injury or poor play. But, outside of Rosen, this team is lacking. They will not be very good. Hell, they may not even be competitive. But at least they finally made some necessary changes. I also think they need to go full youth, and buy into the full rebuild. It may seem that they have been in a rebuild for awhile, but now they are finally accepting it, and running with it. They will not win a lot of games, maybe 3 or 4 this year, but I look at them like the Atlanta Hawks last year. They weren't good, but they were one of the most fun teams to watch in the NBA. While I don't think the Dolphins will be "fun", they will be more watchable than the Raiders or Cardinals or Giants or Jets. That much I can bank on.

At number 27 I have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I loathe this team. Any team that will give Jameis Winston this many chances, and continue to claim that he has "changed", deserves all the bad that is happening to them. They also pushed out Desean Jackson, and that is so stupid. They also gave up on Doug Martin far too fast. Oh, and their only good player on defense, and a seemingly good dude Gerald McCoy, they let walk this offseason. They are the opposite of the Dolphins. I do not like anything they have done this offseason. I tried to talk myself into the hiring of Bruce Arians, who I wanted the Packers to hire, but I don't think he can fix the problems in Tampa. He is also sticking by Winston's side, and I think that is dumb. The only other solid skill player they have is Mike Evans, but when do we start to look at him as just solid, and not a superstar? He has never really showed out as a top flight receiver, yet people always bring him up when they talk about receivers on the rise. Maybe he is the Ryan Tannehill of wide outs. Who knows. And letting Gerald McCoy go is unthinkable to me. Sure, they signed Ndamokong Suh to replace him, but I don't know how much he has left in the tank. He was okay last year, but Aaron Donald showed that Suh's time as a top of the sheet D lineman is done. And, he will face double and triple teams all season long. He may lose his shit in like week 2 or 3. As long as this team continues to let Winston be their cornerstone player, this team will win no more than 5 or 6 games. The Buccaneers, much to my delight, are awful right now.

At number 26 I have the Buffalo Bills. Right off the bat I need to say that Josh Allen was so much better than I thought he was going to be last year, but that is not a compliment. I thought he was going to fall flat on his face. And while he did not do that, he was not a very accurate passer, and he ran way more than I think anyone in Buffalo's front office would like him to. So, while he wasn't a total disaster, I hope he has worked on his accuracy and drops his tendency to run so much. He is not Mike Vick. Not even close. Outside of Allen, I don't know about this offense. And that isn't me being pessimistic, I legitimately do not know. Is Lesean McCoy still on this team? What about Kelvin Benjamin? Did I read correctly that they signed Tyrod Taylor this offseason for his second go round in Buffalo? Who did they even draft? And on defense, their long time team captain, some random white dude from a small college, who's name totally escapes me, retired. See what I mean, I know absolutely nothing about this team outside of Josh Allen. I don't think that is a good sign for a team that may have playoff aspirations. The Bills need to get better only if to give my family that lives in Buffalo something good to cheer about. I think this team is a far way away from being a playoff squad. I also think that they may be better suited to become the first NFL team to move to Canada. They seem to get more fans when they play there. Anyway, anything more than 6 wins would surprise me. This team needs some work.

My final team for the day, at number 25, I have the Detroit Lions. This is another team that I wish was better because I have family that are fans, lifelong fans, of this moribund franchise. The Lions always play close games, then blow it. Or they give up humongous leads and they come back, only to lose in devastating fashion. This is also the same team that pretty much forced their 2 best players ever, Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson, into early retirement. They never seem to help out their star players. They also hired Matt Patricia last season after giving up a billion yards in the Super Bowl where the Eagles beat the Patriots defense that he coordinated. He is not a good head coach, and he seems like a real scumbag. And then I saw that they just released Theo Riddick, Golden Tate left and Eric Ebron left last year and was actually able to catch the ball. Players seem to get better when they leave Detroit. And that is a bummer for Matthew Stafford, who I think is a good QB. Yes, he puts up hollow stats, but it is not like he is Blake Bortles. He is so much better. He just has little to nothing around him. They have some okay wide outs, but absolutely no running game. And their defense is not good at all, and they let Ezekial Ansah walk too. This team is going nowhere fast. They also play in one of the tougher divisions in football, so they already have 6 tough games going into the year. Matthew Stafford deserves better, but so did Calvin Johnson and Barry Sanders. The Lions are a 5 or 6 win team at best. Sorry family that are fans of this team. They just aren't that good.

That's it for today. Come back tomorrow for the next 4. We are going to get to better teams soon. I promise.


Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Growing up, Ty’s family all lived near Green Bay and rooted for the Packers. Their punishment is being sent to towns in football limbo. That is why the Head Editor lives in Cincinnati.

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