Ty Ranks the 2019 NFL Teams: Pineapple Pizza Division


We are a mere few days away from preseason NFL football, so that means I am going to spend the next 2 weeks talking about the NFL and college football. Much like the past, with the NFL, I am going to rank the teams from 32 to 1, in my personal order. I will give a few brief sentences as to why I have a team where I have them, and what I think their season will look like.

I do need to say, the NFL is getting tougher and tougher for me to watch. The people at the top do not care about the safety of players, the refs are dreadful, Roger Goodell is an absolute dolt and players who abuse women and children seem to get off scott free. It is so irritating and ridiculous. Colin Kaepernick cannot even get a tryout with a team, but guys like Richie Incognito and Tyreek Hill get chance after chance after chance. It is disgusting. My NFL watching can be boiled down to The Redzone Network. I do not watch full games anymore, unless it is the playoffs or Super Bowl, and the NFL is more about Fantasy Football for me than anything else now. College football is much different, but I will explain more about why when I get to my NCAA football preview.

Anyway, I do like doing these rankings, so lets get to it.

At number 32 I have the Arizona Cardinals. I do not think I have seen a franchise fall so hard so fast. Things in Arizona are bleak right now. I cannot believe they gave Kliff Kingsbury, a guy that got fired from Texas Tech, and has a losing overall record, the head coaching gig. I assume he got it because he is buddies with Sean McVay, but that doesn't make him Sean McVay. If he lasts one season I will be stunned. I loved Kyler Murray in college, but he is going to be begging to go back to baseball halfway through the season. He is going to get just as abused as Josh Rosen did last year. Also, why did they give up on Rosen so quick? He had nothing at all, besides Larry Fitzgerald and David Johnson, and yeah he struggled, but I thought he looked better than other rookies like Sam Darnold at times last year. He was not given a fair shot. The aforementioned Fitzgerald and Johnson are back, but dos it matter. I love Fitzgerald, but he is very, very old. And Johnson is not the back he was before tearing his ACL. Also, I don't think Kingsbury will use him properly. They have no o line as I already stated, and outside of Johnson and Fitzgerald, I cannot name one other skill position guy. Their defense is not very good either. Tyrann Mathieu left 2 years ago, Patrick Peterson wants out and everyone else is very blah. The Cardinals stink, and I cannot believe they think Kliff Kingsbury is the answer at head coach. This team is an absolute disaster. I will be stunned if they win 3 games this year, and they retain Kingsbury at season's end.

At number 31 I have the Oakland Raiders. You may see that and think, but they got Antonio Brown and he and Derek Carr will click. And, they drafted Josh Jacobs to be their running back of the future. And Gruden is bringing in veteran leadership. I say no to all of that. Antonio Brown is a great receiver, but he is 31 years old, and he is a diva. Derek Carr is awful and loves Jesus far too much to take football 100 percent seriously. Josh Jacobs is already at odds with the coaching staff, and I don't know if he is even signed yet. And the "veteran leadership" is Richie Incognito and Vontaze Burfict. I mean, Jesus Christ is that scary, and not in a good way. Those two will surely put multiple teammates in the hospital because they "looked at them wrong". And Jon Gruden might be the most overrated head coach in the NFL, by about a thousand miles. The game has passed him by, and last year showed that big time. He still thinks he runs the show, and that the players will buy into his nonsense. They won't. The first time he tries to say something to Brown, or criticize Carr, they will fight back. Well, Brown will at least. The Raiders have become the Knicks of the NFL. They used to be important, but now they are a joke of a franchise. The gap between them and the Cardinals is not as far as you may think. The Raiders front office disgusts me with their offseason signings, and how they have handled the whole Josh Jacobs situation. Also, while I think Clelin Ferrell is great, he was a major reach at number 4 in the draft. The Raiders are lost. They will not win anymore than 5 games this year. But, they will be the most dysfunctional team in the NFL.

The two New York teams will close out the rankings today. At number 30 I have the Giants. The Giants made the worst reach of the draft this past draft when they took Daniel Jones at number 6. He is like Eli Manning right now. Not past Eli, and not kind of still had it Eli. I mean current Eli. Jones is supposed to be the future, but he has bust written all over him. He is tall, slow and not very accurate. He also won nothing in college. He is 2019 Jay Cutler, except Cutler was even better coming out of college. Daniel Jones is not going to be a good pro. What the Giants do have is Saquon Barkley. He is great. But, he is a running back, and he can only do so much. I fear that they will overwork him, and by the time he is 27 or 28, he will be out of the league. He is dynamite right now, but all those hits he is taking will take a toll. They have no receiving threats now that Odell Beckham is gone. Corey Coleman is done for the year, Golden Tate is suspended for the first games and who knows when Sterling Shepard will be back from his injury. The o line is suspect and the defense is terrible. The Giants are very far removed from being in the Super Bowl. They are even further removed from being a playoff contender. They are just a bad football team right now, and their future does not look very bright. Unless Saqoun Barkley turns into Bo Jackson, the Giants will be a 4 or 5 win team, at best. Even when Daniel Jones takes over for Eli Manning.

My final team for the day is the Jets. This front office is almost as bad as the Raiders front office. Todd Bowles did not get a fair shake, and now they are letting Adam Gase run the whole franchise. That sentence should send shivers down Jets fans spines. Gase is a mediocre NFL coach, and he is going to ruin this team for years to come. First off, they way overpaid for LeVeon Bell this offseason. Sure, he was great in Pittsburgh, but they had an o line there, and James Connor proved that Bell might not be as great as many perceived him to be. Also, he has not played football in a year, and while he may be rested, he hasn't been hit at all, and he lost an entire year of his prime. His holdout, while it worked in the end as far as getting paid goes, really backfired on the field. I mean, he is now on the New York freaking Jets. Sam Darnold is pretty far away from being the franchise QB they were hoping for when they drafted him 4th overall last year. He makes far too many mental errors with the ball. As I said, they have no o line to speak of. And I cannot name one single receiver. Bell will get his touches, but when he is routinely facing 8 men fronts, it won't matter. Their defense is best known for having a player that tackled, and injured, a mascot at the Pro Bowl last year. This team is a mess too. Adam Gase is a dumb dumb, and the Jets are going to be bad once again. They just don't have the guys to win many games. I'd say their ceiling is about 6 wins.

That's it for today, come back tomorrow for the next 4 teams.


Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Let’s not forget that two years ago Ty and the head editor had the Cardinals and Raiders on the cusp of the Super Bowl. My, how things have changes.

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