Ty Ranks the 2019 NFL Teams: Green Olive Pizza Division


Day 3 of my 2019 NFL countdown begins with my number 24 team, the team from Washington.

Look, Dan Snyder is a moron, and he has been running this team into the dirt since he took over. This team, when I was a kid, was a powerhouse, now they are more well known for not paying Kirk Cousins, and playing an injured Robert Griffin in the playoffs his rookie year. As far back as I can remember, they have only been in the playoffs twice in the last decade and a half, and they left in round one with a whimper. They also didn't get much better in the offseason. Jay Gruden is somehow still the coach. Derius Guice is injured once again. Josh Norman jumped over a bull in Pamplona this summer, and that is the best thing he has done since signing there. They did draft Dwayne Haskins, and I think his "slide" might motivate him. But, he was a one year starter, and save for his performance in the Michigan game last year, he was just okay. I don't know if I would build around him. Washington is a team stuck in the past, and they sit there and think because they were once good that they should still be good. The problem, they are just an average, at best, NFL team. They don't really have much of anyone outside of Haskins now too. As I said, Guice is hurt, they don't have the best wide outs in the league, and Vernon Davis was their dude last year, and he is older than me I think. The defense is very blah in my opinion as well. And Jay Gruden, while not as insane as his brother, is just not a very good NFL coach. He has done nothing that positive since he took over awhile back. I could see them eeking out 7, maybe 8 wins, but that is their absolute ceiling. If I were a betting man, and if Vegas put the odds at 6.5 wins for them, I would take the under. Washington is just not a solid football team right now.

At number 23 I have the San Francisco 49ers. Everyone needs to pump the brakes on the 49ers. I'm sick and tired of hearing how they are finally going to turn a corner this year and be a contender. Who do they have that makes them a contender? Seriously, I want to know. Is it Jimmy Garroppollo? I don't think so. He had a few good games in New England, then Tom Brady demanded they trade him. The Patriots sufficed, and then he went to San Francisco, didn't start right away, but came in in mop up duty at the end of the year and won some games against teams that had nothing to play for. He got a ridiculous contract for that, and proceeded to shred his knee early last season. To me, he is a little bit better version of Matt Flynn. I want to see him put together an 8 or 9 game stretch, I'm not even asking for a full season, before I anoint him the next great NFL QB. They lost Jerick McKinnon. They have no receivers worth note. Their best pass catcher is a tight end who will now face double teams every week. And their defense stinks. I loathe Nick Bosa by the way. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he went to the University of Ohio State. He is a punk, a racist, a douchebag and will flop almost as hard as Daniel Jones. He is nowhere near as good as his brother, who I find a little overrated too, and not even close to top of the line d lineman in last year's draft. He is a dip shit. Richard Sherman is also a million years old, and I was wrong about the Soloman kid they took from Stanford a few years back. He has not panned out. Also, when will Kyle Shanahan start to take some kind of blame. This team has been awful since he was hired. Some of that is injury, but some of that is his piss poor coaching. I'm sure I will have to hear again how this is the year they turn it around. But, when Garroppollo shreds his other knee, and Bosa is too busy retweeting Bretbart articles and Richard Sherman is the only decent person on your team, you are a 6 win team at best. The 49ers stink.

At number 22 I have the Denver Broncos. This team is wasting one of the best defenses of the 21st century because John Elway does not know how to pick QB's. He got extremely lucky with Peyton Manning, although I think they won because of their defense. And since Manning, it has been a shit show. Guys like Trevor Siemian, Brock Osweiler, Paxton Lynch and Case Keenum have been the QB. Those teams have stunk. Now, they have Joe Flacco and they drafted Dew Lock. Oof. Flacco is another guy that got paid because of an excellent defense that made his old team a Super Bowl champ. He has never been that good, and lately, he looks totally disinterested in football, but also thinks he is a Hall of Famer. He is not. Then with Lock, my dad told me that their staff said "he is a fast ball pitcher that can't find the plate". That is not a compliment. That is an indictment of how far away that kid is from being even a competent backup in the NFL. I saw him play live, and while he has impressive arm strength, he is too prone to run and overthrow guys by ten yards. He has zero accuracy. They do have a solid back in Phillip Lindsay, and the o line is okay. But, their best receiver is Emmanuel Sanders, and while he is explosive, he is small and he gets blasted way too much. Where the Broncos thrive is on defense, and they are led by one of the best ever, Von Miller. Miller is awesome and a true Hall of Fame player and just goes after it. They have a solid line, the corners are serviceable and the secondary can hit. But, they are being wasted by this below average offense. The defense will keep them in games, it may even win a few for them, but they are no better than a 7 win team to me. That is a shame because that defense is so very good.

The final team for today, a team I was so very wrong on last year, coming in at number 21, I have the Jacksonville Jaguars. I picked them to win the Super Bowl last year. Now I have them this low on my list. They totally stumbled last year, and I don't think they can make a quick recovery. They did get rid of Blake Bortles finally, but replaced him with Nick Foles. Yes, he won a Super Bowl for Philly, and he held that team afloat last year after Carson Wentz went down with yet another injury. But, now Foles is being looked at as the franchise guy, and I think he will revert to his Saint Louis days, where he was the full time starter for the year, and wasn't that effective. They also have some solid wide outs, but Allen Hurns and the other guys just aren't being used right. They are actively rude to Leonard Fournette and TJ Yeldon at every turn. These guys should be the basis of what they do on offense, but when the coach and Tom Coughlin rip them at every turn, that has to be tough for them. Add on the fact that they hired John De Fillipo to be the new offensive coordinator, Yeldon and Fournette will be lucky to touch the ball a combined 20 times a game now. The defense completely fell apart last season as well. I love Jalen Ramsey, but man did he not back up his trash talk last year. The whole "Sacksonville" thing was clearly a one year deal as they got out sacked by everyone they played. They traded Dante Fowler midway through the year to the LA Rams for peanuts. Their linebackers weren't that good in run or pass defense. It was a total mess, much like this team is now. And I am not going to let the Foles signing fool me into thinking this team will be a contender all of the sudden. Jacksonville seems like they are back to being a mid tier, to bad, NFL team. They are going to probably win 6 or 7 games this year, but the days, or one year that is, of them being a contender are long gone. I cannot believe I thought this team was going to win the Super Bowl last year. I am a dummy.

That's it for today, come back tomorrow for my next 4 teams.


Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. Do not be too hard on Ty about Jacksonville. How many of us are picking Cleveland to win it all this year. Now that is dumb.

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