Last night my wife and I decided to watch "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No" against our better judgment.
We'd seen the first two, and we are completists, so we had to watch the third one. The problem with or completionism (i think that is cromulent word), is that SyFy will continue to make these movies because they get huge ratings and it's the talk of the internet for the next week or so. I'm included with these people, now that I write my own blog and I'm reviewing it today. "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No" was exactly what I expected it would be. It was trashy, poorly written, terribly acted and I was completely engaged the whole time.
Let's get things straight, this was by no means a good movie. Even by SyFy standards, it was pretty bad. But, I think the writers and actors relish this type of movie because they know they can dick around on set and get a decent paycheck. And, in the case of Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, they're relevant for a few weeks. People actually remember that they are actors. The first "Sharknado" came out of nowhere and was received with great fanfare at how bad and hilarious it was. SyFy has always put really bad movies on their network and the first "Sharknado" took it's craziness to a whole new level. With all the internet talk and buzz surrounding the first one, naturally they made a sequel. "Sharknado 2: The Second One" (what a lazy title) was, unfortunately, not nearly as ridiculous as the first. I think they took the response from the first one, and tried their best to make the second one not as goofy, but a little more serious. That was terrible mistake. "Sharknado 2: The Second One" was a shell of its predecessor and I think a lot of people thought the "franchise" would die.
Boy were we wrong.
With little noise and not as much fanfare, at least through my eyes, "Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No" was released this past Wednesday and was over the top insane. This time, the writers said, "to hell with anything making any sense whatsoever, we are going to put the craziest, most insane shit we can think of, and the idiots that watch this movie will eat it up". We had tons and tons of sharknados in the third movie, sharks in space, human babies being born inside a sharks stomach, sharks destroying the White House, Tara Reid's fake arm being super strong and having an attached chainsaw, and cameo after cameo. People like Ray J and Adam Lambert played NASA engineers. Yep, the writers felt that these two morons could pull off being NASA employees. Penn and Teller were hanging out at a diner with Fin's(Ian Ziering) dad, played by David Hasselhoff. Haselhoff was an astronaut by the way. Jerry Springer got eaten by a shark while posing for a picture under another shark. Michael Winslow was also a NASA employee. Former pro wrestler, turned "musician" Chris Jericho played a theme park employee. Frankie Muniz was a shark hunter that met his demise at the top of his truck. Before he died, four separate sharks ate off each one of his limbs. It was pretty hilarious. George RR Martin, the writer of the "Game of Thrones" books, was eaten by multiple sharks while watching a movie about sharks. The Today Hosts were all brutally murdered by sharks. Crazy ass republican nut cases Ann Coulter and Michelle Bachmann played just random people on the streets being attacked by sharks. Bo Derek played Tara Reid's mom. And Rick Fox was part of the presidents security.
Which, brings me to the best cameo in the whole movie, Mark Cuban. Not only was he cast in the movie, he played the President of the United States. You read that right. Not only was he the president, he delivered the two "best" lines in the movie. The first, "I always considered myself the top shark", obviously in reference to his show "Shark Tank". The second, and absolute best and most ridiculous, "I always considered myself a maverick", referring to the fact that he owns the NBA team, the Dallas Mavericks. The third "Sharknado" was by far the most violent of all three and easily had the highest body count. This movie is not for the faint of the heart. The kills are brutal and very bloody. When I look back at the hour and a half it took to watch this, I'm really torn. I was engaged the whole time, but it was a real shit show of a movie. It was really, pretty awful.
I'd say, if you've seen the first two, go ahead and watch the third, but don't expect a good movie, just expect a crazy movie. If you haven't seen the first two and you're thinking of starting with the third one, stop yourself and don't waste your time.
Ty is the Pop Culture Editor and The X-Millennial Man Podcast co-host. There are tornadoes where he lives, but no sharks. Yet. Follow him on twitter @tykulik.