The Hilarious Sadness that is Guy Fieri

Disclaimer- I do not own the rights to any of the clips shown or the music. This is for entertainment purposes only. I know that this is a NIN cover. But in an interview with Trent Reznor he said it was now Johnny Cash's after he heard the cover.

Yesterday I was goofing around on the internet and I stumbled upon something great. I was looking at Facebook, or maybe it was Twitter, and I happened upon the AV Club's fan page. I check the AV club stuff out a lot. I enjoy some of their reviews on movies, music and other things, and I always enjoy reading their top 10, 20 or 30 lists because they drive me both, very angry and agreeable. Sometimes they are right on the mark, other times, they are way off. The AV Club is also very predictable. It's easy to know what they will like and dislike when it comes to TV, movies, music, basically any pop culture stuff. But, this video I stumbled upon last night is one of the greatest "WTF" things I have ever seen on the internet.

First things first, I do not enjoy Guy Fieri. The guy is a hack. He is a joke. He has no idea what he is doing and he looks like a goblin. He is a wannabe rock star that tries to make eating at diners and cooking mediocre food look cool. Spoiler alert Guy Fieri, you are not, nor have you ever been, cool. You look and act utterly ridiculous. You are the Sammy Hagar of food, and that is not a compliment.

On the other hand, I do enjoy Johnny Cash. I love pretty much everything he has done. When he first put out music, it was at the height of good country music. He was the best, in my opinion, amongst his peers that included guys like Hank Williams and Kris Kristofferson. In the middle of his career, when he was infatuated with pills and jail, he made some of his best music. His album, "Live at Folsom Prison" is, not only one of my personal favorite live albums, it is also one of the best live albums of all time. It is a peak performer doing his best music for a bunch of inmates, and they all loved it. Even later in his life, when he teamed up with Rick Rubin, that was, in my opinion, his best music. He did mainly covers, but the covers and the originals were top notch. Rick Rubin put his stamp on it, but those records really shined when Cash would sing. His voice, while old and getting more gruff, sounded delightful. It was heartbreaking, but in all the right ways.

This all leads me back to what I was talking about in the beginning of this post. Some genius cut together a video of Guy Fieri eating food, on one of his many TV shows, and instead of having Fieri talk or putting in his garbage music on his shows, they put Johnny Cash's version of the song "Hurt" as the main music accompanying the 3 minute video. Go watch it right now, it will change your life. The video is one of the funniest, gut wrenching, tastefully done comedic things I have witnessed. The video opens on Fieri talking about some kind of food that he is about to devour, because that is the only proper word for describing how Guy Fieri eats, and then the music comes in and Cash recites the opening lyric, "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel". Oh. My. God. What a perfect lyric to describe Guy Fieri's life choices. Not only does he hurt himself with the food he eats, but his everyday life is one bad choice after another, and I think he does it to see if he can still feel things like embarrassment, pain and guilt. This was the exact opening I was hoping for when I clicked on the link and it only got so much better from there. Cash continues to sing the song and we continue to see Fieri eating one monstrosity after the other. Then, when we get to the chorus, it is a thing of beauty, at least comedy wise, not so much to look at. When the chorus starts, Fieri is just jamming this food into his stupid face, and all the while, we hear Cash singing things, "What have I become, my only friend", "everything goes away in the end", "but you could have it all", "I will make you hurt". Those lyrics couldn't be anymore perfect for what we are seeing as the viewing audience. Even at the end, when the chorus gets louder and more poignant, it is like a mash up of all of the things that most people find incredibly disgusting about Guy Fieri.

This video is everything that it should be. It is funny, poignant, timely and will go down as a classic "viral video". As I said before, I don't know who made it, but I know that they had a stroke of genius when they decided to do this. This is one of the greatest things that is on the internet. This gives me faith in the good parts of the internet. Yeah, it is mocking someone, but this particular someone deserves to be mocked for his countless moments of acting, and being, a jackass. I watched the video three times yesterday, showed it to my wife who watched it once, and I have watched it two more times today. This is wonderful and I urge everyone to seek it out. You won't be disappointed.

ed note: The creator of the video is Mayor Wertz, you can subscribe to his YouTube channel here.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host for the X Millennial Man Podcast. He loves his food, he just does not love it with flame shirts and bleached hair. Make sure you follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

Getting Older, and Adding Bacon, Makes One Appreciate Brussels Sprouts

Hungry?

I've been writing a lot about sports, music, television and movies lately. That's what I am supposed to write about because I'm a pop culture writer, but sometimes you have to write about something a bit off topic.

No, I'm not going to talk about the primaries today, that's RD's job (ed note: go vote).

I'm actually going to talk about a food that I feel is wildly unappreciated. This is a food that, when trying to give to a child, draws a face of disgust. Hell, I know some adults that would give the same face. But, when executed properly, this food is tremendous. The food I speak of is the brussels sprout.

Now, as a kid, I wouldn't touch one of these with a ten foot pole. They smelled weird, tasted weird and who wants to eat a mini cabbage anyway? I was not a fan. But, as recently as two years ago, a love affair with this vegetable came on strong. I was eating at a restaurant called The Block in Webster Groves, Missouri and they had an appetizer called "flash fried brussel sprouts". The rest of the table thought this sounded good and I figured, I'm in my 30's now, maybe I like brussels sprouts. It didn't hurt that there was bacon in the dish as well. In fact, the ingredients in the appetizer where, brussels sprouts, bacon, slivered almonds, cooked onions, vinegar and lemon juice.

They had me at bacon.

When the dish was served, I think I ate about 75 percent of it. It was fantastic. Sure, the bacon and lemon juice were the most prominent flavor, but the brussels sprout was definitely present. This dish made me a fan of brussels sprouts. Soon, I'd find myself buying them at the store and incorporating them in dinners at home. I'd eat them roasted, fried, cooked in butter or oil, basically, I'd eat them anyway they came. My wife has gotten very close to replicating the appetizer from The Block too. As I said, we eat them a lot, so she wanted to try and she almost has it. Sometimes there's a touch too much vinegar or lemon juice, but they're still great anyway they come out. I find myself ordering them as a side when it's on restaurants menus. I'd rather have brussel sprouts than fries, if that's an option. And when restaurants do them right, they can be the best thing for the full meal.

The main reason this topic was on my mind was the recent trip my family just took. My wife and I, our two kids and my folks just ventured up to the Wisconsin Dells for swimming and relaxation for four days. We stayed at the excellent Great Wolf Lodge and they have everything there you could want, including restaurants. They have an indoor and outdoor water park, lodging, an ice cream parlor, story time for kiddos and a bar that doubles as a restaurant. The first night we got there, instead of looking for a local restaurant, we decided to eat at the main bar/restaurant. All the food was great, but my wife and father got a side order of brussels sprouts. At this place their brussels sprouts also had bacon, but they didn't have almonds or lemon juice or onions or vinegar, they had a Dijon mustard sauce. So, it was just brussels sprouts, bacon and a Dijon sauce. Sounds minimal, but my wife let me finish her order, and they were phenomenal. The Dijon sauce was sublime. The bacon was crispy perfection and the brussels sprouts were perfectly cooked. I found myself spooning the remaining sauce into my mouth because it was so tasty. Needless to say, the three other times we went to the restaurant, my wife, myself and my dad made sure we ordered this dish. It was awesome, possibly the best thing I ate during our stay, and I ate a shit ton of cheese curds.

So, if you're on the fence, or you haven't tried them in years, give brussels sprouts a chance. Be sure to add bacon, or if you are a vegetarian, just roast them with butter and oil. Both ways of cooking really accentuate the excellent flavor of brussels sprouts. I'm a big fan now and I'm sure you will be too if you give them a fair chance.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast. He hopes to one day revisit lima beans and durian. He is hoping they both are accented with bacon. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

Being a reality show moron does not make a person a better cook

The proper way to serve oysters

I watch a lot of cooking shows.  I've written about my love for Ina Garten and "Barefoot Contessa". My wife and I watch "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen", "Pioneer Woman", basically any type of show that makesfood the star. We love them. It's an escape and it's nice to have some noise on in the background while doing stuff around the house.

I've become to grow wary of the competition cooking shows though. These shows take themselves WAY too seriously. The way the chefs and the judges act is downright laughable. You hear the chefs talking about stupid shit like doing food "farm to table" or "cooking saved my life" or "I'm the type of chef that will smile in your face, then cut your throat out to get what I want". It's all ridiculous. Sure, I do believe, for a very small few, that cooking may have saved someone's life, but ease up. I'm sure there's other things that helped to save your life. Maybe rehab or loved ones or growing up. All those are more important than cooking, in my opinion. This whole "farm to table" started out as a nice idea, but it's been beaten to death. I'm so tired of hearing these young chefs, most born after 1995, talking about the good old days of cooking. You're 20 years old, the good old days were 1990 to you. Just stop with the whole "farm to table", unless you're a farmer. And this new breed of chef, the asshole chef I'll call them, they're insufferable. These chefs act like cooking is a sport. No offense to the elderly, but my grandma cooked until the day she died at the age of 84, and she was a much better chef than these punks that think it's a sport. Get over yourself, you're a chef, not a professional athlete.

Like I said, I'm growing very wary of the competition shows and the worst offender is "Top Chef". "Top Chef" is laughably bad now. These chefs are the worst of the new asshole chefs. They're all young, douchebag chefs. On "Top Chef", the "cheftestants" take themselves so seriously, you'd think they were saving lives with their food. Calm down, all your doing is making food. Your job isn't that important. Almost anyone can cook. And before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, my brother is a great chef. He's made that his career, but he's not an asshole. He doesn't take himself seriously at all. He knows what he does is universal. He's a great, special person that I love, he's an awesome bigger brother, but his cooking skills aren't what makes him great, it's his love he shows for me and our family. But, I digress, back to "Top Chef" bull shit. These contestants are much too passionate about a job that any 15 year old child can get. I hate the waythey present their food like its a god damn gift to the person eating it. Screw you, it's not that good. I hate how hipster and not self aware these young chefs are. They couldn't be any more ridiculous.

On a recent episode of "Top Chef", one of the contestants served oysters on a hot rock. What the hell! Is he some kind of idiot? He claimed, "I like to use the elements outside to present my food". Screw you you asshole. You suck. Don't serve something that's supposed to be ice cold on a burning hot rock. Gross. This same contestant goes on later in the episode talking about him and his wife serving food at Coachella, because of course he went to Coachella to serve food. Could this guy be anymore of a douchebag? Ugh, I hate this guy. He's chef Phillip on the current season if you're curious and want to watch a supreme dick head on TV.

Which brings me to the judges. They talk about this food like they're going to send the losing chef to jail for making sub par food. They say stupid things like, "the bass needed 4 or 5 grains of salt to really put it over the top", or "this is good, but there's a whole piece of star anise in there and if I ate that, my palette would be completely blown out". I HATE these judges. You guys are judging food! Your job is less important than the chefs! You guys suck too. I hate that they get so mad at chefs for leaving out little things on all these free meals they're getting. Ugh, you are the worst. The absolute worst judges are Padma Lakshmi and Tom Colicchio. They take their jobs MUCH too seriously. They get legitimately mad at these chefs sometimes for the smallest things. Lakshmi, at one point, said she's "never had to wait for a table before and I'm not going to start now". Ugh, screw you. Sorry we aren't all as privileged as you. And Tom Colicchio, stop with the act that you're these chefs friends. You're just as bad as any other judge on any other cooking competition show. And don't act like you're more important because your show is on Bravo. You know what else is in Bravo, any style of "Real Housewives" crap.

"Top Chef" is just as trashy as any other reality show. You guys aren't more important than any other garbage cooking competition show. You're worse. I'm sick and tired of how serious these shows have become. I'm done watching them and I'll stick with my "Barefoot Contessa". Ina cooks for the love, not the competition. She will forever be a better chef than any douche on "Chopped", "Cutthroat Kitchen" and most importantly, the god awful "Top Chef".

Screw these shows forever.

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man podcast. Not only does he think Ina could outcook any cheftestant, he would take her in a straight up fist fight with any of those idiots. Join Ty's anger by following him on twitter @tykulik.

The McRib and the loss of one's youth

The bones say that this is no McRib

After spending Thanksgiving evening in Columbia, me, my wife, son and daughter all made the drive home on Friday after breakfast. We got very little sleep, a new baby and different house, and we were hungry for anything but turkey. We had our fill, going to three separate Thanksgiving celebrations. So, we chose to get McDonald's. It was right by the gas station where we filled up and it was not turkey.

We all got our usual. I had a quarter pounder, my wife had two cheese burgers and my son got chicken McNuggets. All standard stuff. But, my wife and I decided we wanted to get a McRib. Neither of us had one in over 15 years and we both thought that we remembered they were tasty. So, we threw caution to the wind and ordered one to share. We ate our meals first and then had the McRib afterward. My wife opened it and what was revealed to me was one of the sloppiest "sandwiches" I had ever seen. It was on a hoagie type bun, it was stamped to look like a rib, they SMOTHERED it in their barbecue sauce and pickles and onions were literally falling off the side.

My wife was the brave soul that took the first bite. I asked how it was and she replied, "interesting". I was intrigued. As I said before, I hadn't had one in 15 years and I used to devour them whenever McDonald's brought them back. I LOVED the McRib as a teenager. Now, it was my turn. I took my first bite. Interesting was a great way to describe it, but I would use the words "gross" or "extremely sweet and sloppy" or even "disgusting". Now, I did finish my half of the sandwich. I wanted the full experience I guess. But, it was not the same thing I remember. When I ate the McRib last Friday, I was so disappointed.

First of all, it is just their burger "meat" stamped to look like a rib. My biggest problem with this interpretation, there are supposed to be bones in ribs, that's how the meat gets it's smoky flavor. But the McRib, it's all "meat". Even the bone shape is edible. This was off putting from the get go. Then, you bite into the "sandwich", and all you get is the sweetest barbecue sauce you will ever taste. I've never been much of a fan of their take on barbecue sauce. It's way too thick and way too sweet. I prefer a thinner, spicier barbeque sauce. So, this problem I have is not McDonald's fault, it's just my taste. But the fact that they smother the "sandwich" in their barbecue sauce, that's unacceptable. Why do you need that much sauce on one sandwich? They don't douse their burgers in mustard and ketchup. Their salads aren't drenched with dressing. So why so much sauce on the McRib? My best guess, to mask the taste of the burger "meat". Then, they try, and fail, to cover up the sweetness by adding onions and pickles to the "sandwich". This, in theory, should work, but it falls totally flat. The onions are white onions, so the taste of those mixed in with what seems to be about 32 ounces of barbecue sauce is disgusting. You bite into this sandwich and you taste sweet barbecue sauce and very strong white onions. Does that sound good to anyone out there? (ed note: yes) It's almost like they thought, hey lets combine two totally different, exact opposite flavors because that will make the rest of the "sandwich" not so disgusting. Well McDonald's, I'm sorry to say, it only makes the McRib that much worse. The pickles are almost an afterthought. I've had very good barbeque, I try to go to Memphis once or twice a year just to have some of the best barbeque in the US, and they add pickles on the side, almost like a side dish. This works very well in these restaurants favors. But, the pickles that are on the McRib are sparse and add no flavor. There is 2, maybe 3 pickles on this "sandwich" and you can barely even taste them. They are just slapped on there as if to say, lets add more shit to this sandwich because it's not gross enough.

After finishing my half, I said to my wife, "well, I tried it and I will never eat one again. That was foul". She agreed, but she wasn't as harsh on it as I was. I was so upset at how terrible this "sandwich" had become to me. Also, why is it a seasonal item? Why does it only come around once or twice a year? Does the McRib really have a big enough fan base that McDonald's can have it come and go as they please? I don't know the answers to these questions. It reminds me of Starbucks and their Pumpkin Spice Latte. This was another seasonal item I tried this year that was way too sweet and left me feeling terrible after drinking it. It was just as sweet as the McRib, but in a different way. I felt like I was drinking pumpkin pie and that's not the way pumpkin pie should be consumed. Pumpkin pie should be eaten, not drank. Just like ribs should be eaten bone in, not smushed together into one single, edible patty. Both the Pumpkin Spice Latte and the McRib are terrible, terrible products that need to go away forever. I know a lot of people may like these two things, but I don't. They're too sweet and taste pretty awful. I'm more bummed about the McRib though.

 I absolutely adored the McRib as a teenager, but as an adult, it does absolutely nothing except make me feel awful after I eat it. I guess that's how it goes as you grow up though. Tastes change and you find new things you like and old things you loved are no good anymore. From now on, I'll stick with my quarter pounder with cheese whenever those few and far between moments I get lunch or dinner at McDonalds. No more McRibs for me.

Not now, not ever.

(Ed note: We believe in letting all voices be heard. I strongly disagree with Ty and can only say that the sloppy fake meat seasonal treat from McDonald's is a delight. Ty's taste buds did not become more refined, they became more wrong. Long live the McRib.)

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture Editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man podcast. He is looking forward to McDonald's Shamrock Shake with extra green flavor. Follow Ty on twitter @tykulik.

What is real food?

Created by man or by nature?

Some folks seem to be up in arms today because of a vote in the House on GMO labeling. In a 275-150 vote, the House passed HR 1599, the Safe and Accurate Food Labeling Act of 2015. Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-TX) issued a statement today about the passing of this act saying, “Advances in technology have allowed the U.S. to enjoy the safest, highest quality, most abundant, diverse and affordable supply of food and fiber mankind has ever known. With the world’s population expected to reach 10 billion by 2050, biotechnology is an essential tool for our farmers to meet this demand in an environmentally sound, sustainable, and affordable way. Unfortunately, proposed Federal and State laws threaten this innovation by generating a patchwork of differing labeling requirements, which will result in inconsistent and confusing information for consumers and interfere with interstate commerce. H.R. 1599 establishes a voluntary nation-wide marketing program that gives consumers access to consistent, reliable information while protecting advancements in food production technology and innovation.”

I spent some of my morning reading HR 1599. In my reading I noticed that foods containing any genetically engineered element may be required to be labeled as genetically engineered if they contain “a material difference in the functional, nutritional, or compositional characteristics, allergenicity, or other attributes between the food so produced and its comparable food”. To me this makes sense. If there is no real difference in the product, no need to make an extra cost and confusion to the consumer by pointing out how it was produced. Analogously I do not need to know whether the peanuts used to make my peanut butter were crushed by hand or a machine if the end product is the same.

One of the things this bill was intended to do was to create a nationally unified labeling system. With individual states having different labeling requirements, there presents a problem for companies who ship product to multiple states with differing and contradictory labeling requirements. Having this kind of labeling fiasco would just drive up costs for the consumer while confusing the consumer all the more.

Many are saying that this new bill creates a ban on the consumer receiving adequate access to knowledge about their food. It seems to be causing more clarity to have a unified system that the interested consumer can understand. The alternative is for them to seek out a lot of conflicting information driven by the “natural” food lobbies in each state.

The producers of food who work hard to make sure there are no genetically engineered components in their product have an interest in scaring the consumer away from genetic innovation. They are big business just like any other. So requiring labels on all genetically engineered food regardless of its functional, nutritional, allergenic, etc. similarities seems to only be an attempt to use government to influence the market in their favor. If their food is “natural”, they are free to label it as such, but requiring other companies to use labels which enhance their own marketing tactics is deceitful.

The fact is, these means of production mean a higher yield per acre and less use of potentially harmful chemicals. One can bring up monoculture as a legitimate concern. One which needs to be addressed. But attempting to kill off the benefits of genetic engineering on the whole is not the way to do that. Testing should also be done on these and all foods to make sure they are safe. Since genetically modified foods are some of the most thoroughly tested, I have no concerns here.

Still, many people are concerned. Some fear that we will get too carried away and cause lasting and irreversible harm to our food sources and thus to humanity. I agree that some of the details within the realm of genetically modified foods may need more attention. Such as the patent system and how it affects the way certain agriculture companies do business or monoculture as I have already mentioned. But the solution is not to scare the consumer away from the process outright. What do you think?

Kirk Aug

Kirk writes about science, technology, and whatever else can catch his fancy. He is currently enjoying a snack and forgot to read the label. Follow him on twitter @kirkaug.