No Fruitcake for Me Thank You

My dad was over visiting earlier today, my daughter is now home sick from school so we are both kind of stir crazy and the visit was a nice break, and we were talking about holiday stuff. I mentioned I was trying to think of a topic to write about, and we got on a holiday kick. We did finally fall on something and boy oh boy do I have some thoughts. But I wanted to give my dad credit for the idea today. Without our conversation, maybe I wouldn't have come in so hot today. We can all thank my father.

The topic, fruitcake in general. My dad has always been a fan of fruitcake. He has told me stories about how when his mom used to make it, my grandma, he would drool while it was being made. I have other people in my life who also love fruitcake. My daughter hasn't had it yet, but after telling her about what fruitcake is, she wants to try it out. My son hasn't tried it and he is a little harder to convince. This is the side that I fall on. I'm in step with my son here, but I have tasted fruitcake before, and I despise it. I don't get what the big takeaway is and why it became such a big time holiday treat. For all intents and purposes, fruitcake is a loaf of bread with jellied pieces of random fruit thrown in there. I know there are other things you can do to make fruitcake, but the baseline thing is bread with jellied fruits. I think what I oppose so much about fruitcake is the whole idea. If I want banana bread, I'll make banana bread. If I want cake, I'll make it. If I want some candied fruit, I'll go buy it in the store. To put all of these things together into one mishmash piece of pastry grosses me the hell out. The grossest part to me is the jellied fruit. It reminds me of ambrosia salad, which I also dislike very much. The fruit is way too sweet and chewy. It never tastes like I expect it to taste. It can become gummy and come out whole when taking bites out of each piece of bread. It has the weirdest texture. It is not for me. As for the bread, it is way, way too dense. I'm all for butter and sugar being mixed to make a delicious sweet treat, but fruitcake is a bridge too far. I understand in some recipes it calls for some kind of liquor to keep it from getting dry, but then it gets even more dense. I also do not drink, so why would I ever want a piece of fruitcake soaked in liquor? That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I don't think the first time I were to get drunk I'd want it to be off a piece of fruitcake. That sounds like a waste. I also understand that liquor can be empty sugar calories, so why on Earth would you add that to something that's already far too sweet to begin with? The whole idea of adding liquor is such a putoff to me, but my dad mentioned how his mom used to use a cloth soaked in rum, I believe, and that was part of the allure. That makes zero sense to me, especially when you're a kid. But maybe that is just my distaste for alcohol. But when I get away from the liquor recipes for fruitcake, the whole idea is still gross to me. I mentioned it all above why I dislike it. Whenever I see a loaf of it out at a holiday party or a gathering with my family, I actively avoid it. I want nothing to do with it. I tried a piece about three or four years ago just to see, it was COVID times after all, and I think I disliked it even more. It was akin to when I tried a McRib a few years back, except I used to genuinely like the McRib. I thought maybe my taste buds had changed mildly, I do love coffee now. That was not the case at all. The fruit was weird and gummy. The bread was far too dense. And it was so cloyingly sweet that one bite was all that I needed.

I don't know, fruitcakes are disgusting. I don't think my taste will ever change on that front. But if you like fruitcake, please tell me what it is about it. Tell me what I'm missing. I truly want to know if it is me. So enjoy them or not, fruitcake is not for me, but maybe that can change. Probably not, but never say never I suppose. 

Ty

Ty is the Pop Culture editor for SeedSing and the other host of the X Millennial Man Podcast.

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